I will be most frank here...I am wavering between writing a complete goof, throw away type post that carries no emotional weight what-so-ever (except I have learned, often the HARD WAY that everything I do, carries that weight and an emotional PRICE as well). I can pretend I'm on a lark, feeling goofy and light-hearted but the searing memories from the past week coupled with the haunting memories they dredge up from my past are never, ever far away.
What I really feel today is confusion...I feel much like a rudder-less sailing vessel. I'm moving...I know that but I am not quite sure where I am going or if I even want to go. Melancholy reigns when I feel such things and I no longer feel comfortable in my own skin.
These are warning signs for this recovering addict...Why? Because I totally understand and accept from previous experience that my recovery today is completely dependent on the quality of my spiritual connection to my creator. All those feelings and the thoughts that accompany them tell me quite clearly that I am not well connected to God. My spiritual condition is chaotic, which is another huge red flag for me...I realize that I am trying to take back control of my life...Well, Dear Reader, trouble looms when that has been the case in the past. When I am in control, quite honestly I could screw up a wet-dream! Seriously...
So I guess ultimately, I realize now that the purpose of this post today was to hi-light for me in no uncertain terms that I have some work to do spiritually. The positive thing about that realizations is that it came naturally to me meaning that my sense of awareness is still there and it is something that is fixable.
I need to sit down and have a little pow-wow with God...another name for that is Prayer or Meditation. That nearly always re-establishes a connection and peace, serenity and balance can once again flow into me for Him. Balance...as I have written here in Shell Shock often is a critically important factor for me.
I make no secret that recovery for me takes a spiritual solution...I cannot stay clean and sober living life by my own rules..I will succeed in killing myself eventually playing by my rules...I need God in my life, I just do.
That makes a great many people uncomfortable but I cannot and will not try to tell you something that is misleading. My life got a whole lot better when I met my Creator...It just did. I had no real belief in God when I starte
Of course that was only a beginning and it takes a lot of hard work and ruthless honesty to get where I needed to go.
It is funny...I sat down to try and write something half-way interesting and discovered a great deal about myself this morning, basically without trying that hard.
So this is where I will start this day and I imagine there may be a more to write about later...until then, have a great day!