The other day I posted about getting into routine again of posting something early in the morning of each day. I was fired up and determined to get back on track, doing something I enjoyed and felt strongly about it having value not only for myself (ultimately the true reason I write Shell Shock Serenade) but for the reader as well.
Well my good intentions lasted exactly one day.... that one and only...lonely little post. I admit it...I've failed here and frankly I find it more humorous then anything. Who freaking cares how I start the day.
On to something a little more difficult to discuss or really...even think about.
Yesterday in Newtown, Connecticut a 20 year old gunman walked into an Elementary school an killed 20 6-7 year old children and 6 teachers, staff and the Principal from the school. He shot the victim's so many times that there was only 1 wounded person...an adult Assistant Principle.
Needless to say this is front page, every headline on TV stuff here in the United States. I know there are quite a few International readers here at Shell Shock and I would imagine that the story is getting HUGE coverage all over the world but one never knows with the rest of the world.
Well I am having some issues processing this whole thing and frankly there is part of me that is a little afraid to write what follows.
A mad-man going on a shooting spree, killing 26 people in cold blood in an elementary school is horrifying to me. But I have to admit that as I have friends who are driven to tears of outrage by this and the media is going on about how Evil this is and the Devil himself must be involved I find myself....for lack of a better word: NUMB. It bothers me...Yes. It is frightening and awful but it is almost as if I have lost my ability to feel. People will say how can I feel this way, they were CHILDREN.
Well, the answer I have for them, they cannot HANDLE nor even begin to comprehend. I don't blink an eye when they talk about shooting some of these kids 11 times right in the face or shooting their teacher down because I KNOW there is evil in this world...it comes as no surprise to me.
Tonight on National Cable Network News TV Geraldo Rivera said the Devil Himself came to Newtown. The Evil one was here, he said multiple times...and he called it a Mini-Holocaust...which is an incredible statement to make, because those are very significant words from someone with a Jewish mother who was raised "mostly Jewish".
The reason that I feel numb to this is it is how I protect myself from true, un-controlled horror and EVIL. You see, I've met the Devil face to face in the guise of three grown men who picked me, an innocent 12 year old boy to corner, isolate, beat the sh*t out of and then rape at will. That
I have incredibly deep, tender feelings for those children and for other victims of violence...but I simply cannot let them go any old time I feel like it because if those feelings are let loose on the world, without care, without love and hope...they can and they most certainly will destroy me...if not managed properly with therapy and the Grace of a Loving GOD. TRUST ME...the best way to manage a personal Holocaust? Initially, NUMBNESS...
CAN you F**cking here me now, huh!!? Is that clear enough for you? Those Bastards robbed me of my ability to feel empathy....to MOURN...to nurture and support people who are hurting. Why? Because the mere shadow of horror or intense emotional pain sends me into an sub-conscience Def-Con FIVE type Alert to shut down my entire ability to relate, to feel, to care...Emotionally...that's why That's what I learned to do to protect myself.
This is a tragedy ...It breaks my heart. Of course I want to rage on about what happened, I want to just break down and cry for those kids and the 6 woman who tried to protect them. But my selfish desire to not want to KILL MYSELF in the process prevents me for doing so.
There isn't an easy way to deal with something so incomprehensible, so horrific...so WRONG. But we must continue on and not let evil dictate how we live our live.
For me this will always be a difficult dance trying to reconcile the past with the events of today. I don't want to run from the pain of the past but certain reactions are just that: I'm reacting...not thinking and making a choice what to think and feel.