One of the basic, fundamental behavioral changes made in my life when I began to seriously embrace recovery in my life was the need for me to be absolutely honest with myself and do what is basically an end of the day behavioral or moral inventory of myself. No I'm not kidding...I really did and still do stop at the end of my day and look back over it to see how I handled myself. It's been interesting to say the least.
To continue in recovery i have always tried to maintain certain spiritual behaviors and principals...for example, if I wrongfully treated someone at work it was important that I went back and apologized. I often paid attention to how I was dealing with anger or resentment toward others. I watch what my expectation were for other people and for myself.
Keeping in contact...essentially with my inner self on a daily basis... really opened my eyes to how much I could be affected by outside influences. As time went on I found as i got better the issues became smaller and smaller.
But i have noticed the last few days that I just seem to be a bit "emotionally lethargic"...I just don't seem to have the same energy or enthusiasm. There could be several reasons for this...i could just be tired, I'm still not sleeping well. Plus there has been a great many HUGE decisions that K and I have had to make as she finally landed the job and a place to live for the foreseeable future. Of course those events have reduced the considerable stress that has been weighing down on me so that is a bonus.
I believe I am suffering a bit from some mental fatigue...OK,let's hold on to the mental humor, I've heard it (the voices) all before, haha.. There has been a ton of stuff happening the last several weeks. K was finishing up her 90 day work probation so we were waiting for word on her subsequent hiring and acquiring Health Insurance (That happened last week, Thanks God!) and we needed to find her housing (also finalized last week). So there has been a great deal of pressure and I am just feeling run down I believe.
But I always follow the process of checking each day to see if I'm in a good place and following the plan for healthy, sober living i've used since i got clean in June 2006. Things can still get squirrelly at times, even after nearly 7 years of sobriety. I am now at risk of getting complacent and letting my guard down. It's easy to do and I've seen it happen to folks who have been sober 25 years!
When I first began living a life of recovery I was so unsure about myself that I rarely ever let that guard down. I was really super dedicated because I didn't want to die and I was convinced if I messed around I'd drink again and I knew if i did I would not last long. Today I am still diligent but I understand that it could be easy to mess up and I do not want to go there.
So that's pretty much where I am at today. It is an unusual Sunday in that K and I really have no plans. We are going for a walk in a few and stop in to see a friend and neighbor who has had some health issues the last month or so. Then we'll just hang out together which I am really looking forward to.
Perhaps I'll check in later...perhaps NOT!
Photo: K Tomson