In the past few weeks while managing this new revolution that I’m working on, I’ve had some ups and downs – as I guess I should expect.
I can’t tell you how good it feels to just let some things go. Normally, every second thing I do or decision I make in my life causes me guilt to varying degrees. I have been making a conscious effort to recognize the guilt when it starts up. I would say that I have been “letting go” of the guilt but it feels more like I’ve been cutting it off. I feel it start to creep in and it actually pisses me off and I reject it.
*Pfft! Seriously, Guilt? Fuck off!
Being able to do that is a pretty cool feeling. I have felt guilty over the most ridiculous things in my life – mostly things that involve me enjoying something, or my kids. (My therapist would have a hay day with this.) In refusing the guilt, I’ve found it not only easier to enjoy myself, but also easier to make decisions (except for what *shade to color my hair, that one plagued me for weeks! Darker or lighter, darker or lighter?!). Decision making and going with the flow is easier when I’m not worried about unnecessary guilt as a consequence.
Another thing that I am starting to enjoy is that I really, truly am caring less and less what people think of me. Having an arm covered in tattoos, two young kids, being a gal who likes to enjoy the occasional cocktail and always wearing my damn heart on my sleeve – there is an abundance of things that people can think/judge me for. Take your pick, it’s all out there – the biggest one probably being the kids. People love to judge how others raise/handle their kids, always assuming they could do a better job. I’ve long touted that "I don’t give a shit" what others thought of me, my tattoos, my parenting, my lifestyle, but I realize now that hasn’t been true - even if it's what a I really wished. Turns out I do/did care, and it affected my anxiety levels and my self worth. I only realize it lately because over the past month there have been several situations where my life or my choices may or may not be in judgement of another (valid or not) and I GENUINELY think, WHO FUCKING CARES! (Yes, I swear like a sailor in my head too). I have noticed a decrease in feeling the need to explain/defend myself (although it’s still a work in progress). I KNOW I am a unique, good person and I’m a great mom. I’m certainly nowhere near perfection but neither is anyone else. Think or say what you want about me, I care less and less about it every day and that feels great! I recently read a quote that said:
“When someone has a problem with you, remember, it’s their problem, not yours.”
One of the biggest things I have noticed is a difference in my relationship with others – most notably the one with my husband. He seems… happier and we seem happier together. I like to think that he’s also going through some sort of self transformation and has realized his own issues and is working on them…
Yes, I know that with me being more easy going and laid back it has affected him and our relationship in a positive way – I didn’t see that one coming.
With that all being said, I have found the past several weeks very **busy and I’ve not run as much as I would have liked and not eaten as well as I like to. In return, the scale is up three pounds. That affects me more than I would like on a mental health level. I remind myself though, that it’s really no big deal in the grand scheme. Since it does bother me I am the person who will make a conscious effort to run more and eat less and those stupid 3 pounds will come back off. I do rely on physical exertion to balance my mood, and running twice in a two week span doesn't cut it. The beauty of it all though, is that I recognize it and will tweak it and make it better. It’s all part of the process.
At the beginning of this month, I sat across from my friend Shannon at the lunch table at work. I had been struggling with so many things and was damn tired of it all. I told her that April was my birthday month and it was the month I was going to make change. I readily admit that I haven’t mastered anything yet, it’s all still a work in progress and maybe it always will be, but on Monday when I turn another year older, I will be in a better place than I have been in all my 37 years.
*I went darker
**Canucks were the playoffs and we were "busy" drinking beer and eating appies during the games. Fortunately/unfortunately that's over now.