Sorry

Finally able to participate in Eden's Fresh Horses Brigade weekly meme.  I'm sorry... that I haven't been able to join in earlier. I've started posts for each and every week but by the time I was done composing, it was too late to link up and the moment had passed.

I'm sorry I struggle so hard sometimes and that I let the world know it.  I'm sorry I can't afford to go see my therapist every time I need to talk or sort something out, and that my blog becomes that outlet. I'm sorry that you roll your eyes or shake your head at me instead of leaving a comment on my posts. I'm sorry that you read all my posts and never comment - does it make you feel like you've got one over on me?

I'm sorry that I had my babies 18 months apart.  And I'm sorry that you don't believe in my infertility or that I didn't plan out the timing of my pregnancies so I'd be back at work just long enough to get another maternity leave. I'm sorry the person who covered my maternity leave was really lousy at the job and that you'll never forgive me for that.

I'm sorry for asking you not to be gone all weekend.  Sorry for wanting some personal time too.  Sorry I like a clean house and clean children.  I'm really sorry I get upset when I hear loud noises - that is a very deep rooted issue that comes from some not-so-nice childhood memories.  Sorry I get stressed out when things get chaotic, I know as a mother I'm supposed to be calm and calming and have all the answers.  Never let them see you sweat, right?  Really sorry that you don't think your personal life should change even though everything else has. Sorry I don't want to give you a blowjob after you've drank 6 beers while I was at the gym and that you will secretly (you think) hold that against me for days.  Sorry I want to shower alone after a long day instead of with two small children - it doesn't mean I don't love them.  Sorry I cooked the pork chops too lean so you didn't eat them. And the chicken too.

Sorry I got so drunk and let it all hang out - I guess the damn burst.

Sorry I lost a bunch of weight and that makes you uncomfortable because you didn't.

Sorry about my past.

Sorry I'm constantly changing, rolling with the punches, trying to always improve - and you don't like change.

Sorry I've spanked my kids out of pure frustration and not because it was the right parenting choice.  Sorry I've yelled at them when I knew it wasn't going to do any good - except it felt good to yell and let it out.

Sorry I have to be on antidepressants.  And really sorry when I talk about my own depression and ask for support.  That shit makes people very uncomfortable, did you know?

I'm sorry that I can never deal with one issue exclusively.  I'm sorry that one child is underweight.  I'm sorry that they keep getting sick - is it something I'm doing wrong? It must be, I'm their mom.  I'm sorry I'm never enough.

I'm sorry that sometimes I just want to be alone.  So selfish.

I'm sorry you don't believe the same things I do.  Sorry that saying I felt Granny watching over me the other day made you roll your eyes and leave the room.  Sorry if you think my spirituality is bullshit.  Sorry you don't believe I'm sensitive to certain, non-tangible, non-visible, not obvious things.  I sense things and feel things that others don't and I'm sorry you think that's a bunch of hocus pocus shit in my head.

Sorry I'm so determined.





Edenland's Fresh Horses Brigade


Sorry that I'll have to say sorry to a bunch of people for writing this.



Also sorry I said "blowjob" on my blog...