Self Help

I haven’t ran in almost 3 weeks due to injury. My doctor, who doesn’t advocate running, advised me to take Advil and stop running. I advised him that running is my “thing” and if he can’t fix my foot then he needs to refill my antidepressant prescription.

In the meantime I have found a relatively pain-free, (yet unfulfilling) exercise substitute in the elliptical trainer at the gym. It’s not the same, but it will stand in for now. I keep reminding myself that my foot is (slowly) healing and I will get back into my running routine. I need to be patient. This is just a setback. Life has lots of those.

Last week Ruby was very, very sick. After a week of her not get any better (and not eating), she had a nasty spell in which she was screaming with stomach pain and inconsolable. She seemed to be in pain every time we moved her. It was a bit scary for everyone who witnessed it (including my anti-rushing-to-the-doctor parents who told me to rush her to the doctor). So off we went to Children’s Hospital. She vomited all over herself on the way there and was nodding out like a heroin junkie. I carried her puke soaked, limp body from the pay parking lot, through the sleet, into the emergency room where we had a 2 ½ hour wait. The longer the wait, the bigger asshole/overreacter I feel like when we hit up the emergency room so to make myself feel better, I took a picture of her while we were waiting to see a doctor.
Doctor said that her skinny little body can’t sustain itself during such a stomach virus. Her blood glucose was very low which was causing her to be near comatose and unable to stay awake, (also causing painful gas in the tummy). She needs to eat more on a regular basis and I need to become a food pusher to keep her healthier.

Meanwhile, I spent $930 on groceries in the month of February. Who is eating all that food?! (We know it’s not Ruby.) I have never tallied up how much I spend at the grocery store before and I had no idea I was spending that much. It seems exorbitantly high to me – although I have no idea what is normal for a family of two adults and two toddlers in British Columbia (or anywhere for that matter). How do I feed my kids more and spend less on groceries? Please tell me if you know.

I ran to the grocery store yesterday evening (because despite the above paragraph, our pantry and fridge are remarkably bare), leaving Steve with the kids for a half hour. I felt guilty about that. EVEN THOUGH I WAS GOING TO BUY FOOD FOR MY KIDS TO KEEP THEM ALIVE. What the FUCK is wrong with me?? If there is any money left over after I buy groceries this weekend I’m going straight to the self help section of the bookstore. Any suggestions for a good “letting go of bullshit emotions” book? Are any of you as fucked up as me?

In other guilt related news, I booked a babysitter for this Saturday evening so he and I can go out for a burger and a beer to celebrate his birthday. Other than my parents (and daycare) we have never had a babysitter before.  Very daring of me but I do think it’s time. During a brave moment earlier this week, I asked my daycare lady if her teenage daughters ever babysat on weekends and they do but only at her house (which is only a half block away and the kids are already comfortable there). I feel weird (Weird? Or guilty?) about taking the kids out of the house to be babysat and then picking them up when they’ll be sleeping. I mean, that was totally the norm when I was a kid but does anyone DO that anymore?? Please tell me because I’m not sure I’ll have time to get to the “how not to feel guilty” part of my new self help book by 6pm on Saturday.

I had potato chips and two beer last night while I made dinner. Then when I sat down to eat my dinner I realized I was already full of beer and chips so I didn't actually eat my dinner.  While I was snacking on chips and sipping cold beer from a frosty glass I felt all proud of myself for breaking out of my soldier mode and allowing myself some enjoyment. 

Then I felt guilty for the rest of the night.