Off the wagon

Just over a week ago, during a time of high stress and constant chaos everything that I was responsible for in my life became overwhelming. I was pretty sure I couldn't keep going the way I was. Everything was too much. In one of my "make change to make it better" modes I started to look for ways I could make things easier. Something had to give.

Since selling the children to the circus wasn't a viable option, and Steve wasn't willing to quit his job and become my full time nanny/chef/handyman I started to look within.

I am all about simplifying. I love letting go of the things that don't serve me/us.

And after much thought and looking for an "out", I decided it was time for me to hang up the gloves on Weight Watchers.

I had lots of reasons for ending my subscription - some of them valid like the cost of the monthly pass, the fact that I only lost 10lbs in 3 months (which is both disheartening and NOT cost effective), the fact that I'm sick of the mental game that I play with myself.  Some reasons were less valid - like beer, nachos and chicken wings.  Enough said.

I knew that I would likely not keep losing weight but I told myself that I look ok now and if I had to stay at this weight from now on, then I would be ok with that.  I figured I would save money, be less bitchy hungry and therefore able to handle the kids better in the crazy time between daycare pickup and bedtime.  In my head I was going to still keep track of everything I ate and also keep up my running. 

And while I did ok with the running, I wrote down what I ate for about 3/4 of a day - and then went out for cocktails and appies and never looked back.

Although I didn't blow the whole thing out of the water, it didn't turn out how I had envisioned.

I realized a few things...

I'm an emotional eater and that hasn't been cured by the fact that I've lost 30lbs.  So during times of high stress (in other words, my regular life), I found myself grabbing a handful of almonds here and a cheeseburger there...  *ahem*  Without the structure of Weight Watchers, I struggled with keeping the stress eating in line.

I'm actually not satisfied with where I'm at right now in regards to weight loss.  I mean, I look ok.  No, I look good. I do.  But... I could look better. And I want to look better.  I also want to feel even better, be more fit and to wear smaller clothes.  Also I'm pretty sure that the day I cancelled my Weight Watchers subscription that my belly flab grew at least a couple of inches around my middle.

I also realized that I kinda like doing Weight Watchers after all. It gives me structure and a base for eating and exercise. I always know where I stand in regards to what I'm eating and how much I'm exercising.  The online portion of the plan is a fantastic tool for tracking. I like tracking. 

I like tracking? 

I didn't think I liked that part but I guess I do.

And in the end, going off Weight Watchers didn't magically take the stress and chaos out of my life.  I'd even go so far to say that it actually made things worse. 

And so... as of this past Friday, I'm back on the wagon.  I know, who in their right mind signs up for a diet plan on a Friday, much less the Friday of a long weekend?  Actually that didn't really matter to me. I was ready on Friday.  The only change I made was to sign up for the online portion of the plan only instead of the full meal deal which included meetings that I never attended.  The cost difference was considerable and I should have probably done that a lot sooner. 

Its been a couple of days and I already feel so much better.  I'm back to taking good care of myself and that feels good, makes me happier, which makes the chaos easier for me to deal with - and that is good for everyone.  The break was good because it brought me around to where I needed to be.