Scattered

I've been forgetting lots of stuff lately. And losing stuff.  And reading things wrong - like actual words that I see.  And  I can't seem to keep up with the housework - which makes things feel even more chaotic. I'm flying around by the seat of my pants again, in life and in my head. I've had way more anxiety attacks than I care to endure and depression has even leaked in the cracks a little. I need to get grounded. I just don't know exactly how to rein it all in and regain control. I've been looking into meditation but... heh... I don't have time to learn it and then actually put it into practice.  And I certainly can't afford therapy sessions. So for now, I'm writing some of this shit out of my head... 


~ June starts tomorrow.  I go back to work in June.  I need to start getting the kids used to their new daycare.  I want to break them in slowly - starting ASAP, but that seems like a MONUMENTAL task. So much thought seems to need to go into it.  I want to do everything right for them. I want it to be smooth. I want them to be happy and not scared and to eat and sleep properly and to not cry for their mom. Please, I do not want them to cry for their mom.

I need to get another sound therapy machine so Lincoln will nap properly while he's there. And he has a little stuffed frog that he sleeps with. What if we forget it one day???  And will Ruby will eat properly and use the potty?  I hope the daycare lady is compassionate if they struggle for a while.  I hope the other kids are nice.

Getting up every morning and getting them both ready to go for the day is another big one.  What time will I have to get up? What time will I get them up? What all needs to be done before we leave the house each day?

I know that working full time and sending kids to daycare is a part of life for most people.  Millions of women do it. And maybe I'm just grasping at some positive angle in this but I do think Ruby is ready for it.  I think she needs more stimulation and structure and socialization than I can provide her at this point.  And I like to tell myself that Lincoln will be fine because he will be with his sister (whom he adores). But I'd be a fool to think there's it's all going to be seamless and painless.

The anxiety is coming on strong while I write about this topic. It's a huge thing for me to think/panic/worry about. I work really hard every day to raise happy, healthy, behaved kids.  Now I have to hand that responsibility over to a stranger.  It's such a mega change and I suppose hard for me to let go of the control that I have over their daily lives.
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~ As for me actually returning to work - if I'm totally honest, I'm almost looking forward to it.  I'll be using my brain again. I will get to wear something other than sweat pants. I can pee in a bathroom all by myself!!!  Nobody will be hanging off my arm stealing chunks of food from my lunch - only to chew it up and spit it on the floor. I will actually GET a lunch break.  Perhaps the best part? Nobody at work is going to ask me to watch them and sing to them while they take a poo! The thoughts of it are very exciting. Still, it's going to be a transition getting used to going to work again and getting into a routine and getting comfortable with my job.
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~ Lincoln is refusing to eat any food that is offered to him via spoon.  He must eat everything with his bare hands.  This makes my brain work a little harder at trying to think of what to feed him.  Also, he is bloody well MESSY!  He slobbers and mashes and grinds his chewed up food into his hair, his face, his clothes, his highchair, the floor... basically everything within a 10 foot radius.  The amount of housework this has added to my life is exponential. 
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~ The Canucks, our beloved Canucks have made it to the Stanley Cup finals. They last played last week. The final round doesn't start until tomorrow. It feels like a really long time to wait between games. We lose our hockey momentum a bit. I know we'll get it back as soon as game day arrives. I guess I have become somewhat addicted to the excitement and adrenaline and something to cheer for that has been with us while riding the wave of our team making it this far in the playoffs. It feels really good. But damn, lets get on with it already!
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~ The weather has really sucked this spring.  We have been stuck indoors a lot.  It gets tiring.  It gets cabin feverish.  And it's extra work to get out of the house.  It's also depressing. 
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~ Money is TIGHT.  Ugh.  It's brutal. Two back-to-back years of maternity leave wages plus any debt that we were already carrying prior to that (Hello, $20,000 worth of IVF treatments)... It's getting really hard to make ends meet.  Adds stress to absolutely EVERYTHING.
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~ And finally, I am now absolutely consumed with thoughts of Madison Scott and her family.  Madison lives in the town where I was raised.  I know and am close with some of her family.  I can not imagine what they are going through. It is gut wrenching and very disturbing.  Please, Lord.  Bring Madison home safe. 

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Phewf...