Auburn Football: A Program With Its Head In The Toilet Bowl


Things simply could not have been sicker for the 2011 National Champion Auburn Tigers right now..

Shortly after winning the National Title that it didn't get earlier - or play for - in the 2000s, things have gone downhill for War Eagle and friends.

VOMIT! Defensive God Nick Fairley and God-With-Controversy Cameron Newton (and my God, didn't Cam make a fool out of himself at the NFL Combine?), nominated for NFL riches instead of staying for another year. With the NFL lockout, that's not looking like a great idea.

VOMIT - AND DEATH! Alabama fan Harvey Updyke gets pissed at the fact that Auburn fans toilet papering the trees at Toomer's Corner - the ones which get pounded with toilet paper after every Auburn victory - so instead of peeing on them and telling all his buddies about it like any good football fan should do, he poisons them, and destroys one of college football's greatest legacies. This guy Updyke's a little passionate, by the way. His daughter's called Crimson, his son's called Bear (We don't know whether his wife's called Auburn, or if he uses Tide washing powder). He tells a radio station about it, and suddenly becomes the most famous Alabama Crimson Tide fan since Joe Namath.

VOMIT - AND GUNS! Then, starter Michael McNeil and three others (Antonio Goodwin, Shaun Kitchens and Dakota Mosley), presumably after having 900 beers and a fair amount of crack, decide to rob someone's house, and they get caught, charged, and thrown off the team.

VOMIT - AND MUSCLE GUNS! On March 3, H-Back Eric Smith was booted for domestic violence.

VOMIT - AND BYE!! Derek Winter, Phillip Pierre-Louis, Andre Harris and Robert Cooper weren't going to start and have exited stage left, but Coach Gene Chizik didn't even mention their names. Christ, and these guys were actually pretty well-behaved (ie we didn't hear anything bad about these kids (correct us if we're wrong))!

VOMIT - AND WHAT NOW?? An HBO documentary is coming out claiming the Auburn paid its recruits. LSU's name's mentioned. This season's just 'gotten uglier'

We're sorry, War Eagle. It's going to look like a year that should see your fans with their heads in the toilet.