The Ride

The past six plus weeks have been quite the ride.  Not a ride like a roller coaster that has up and downs, but more like the Drop of Doom that only goes one way... down.  Or perhaps more accurately like the haunted house at the PNE - where it's dark and scary and bad things keep popping out at you making you want to scream.

The vertigo started September 7th. It was so strong and so violent that I had to call 911 and take an ambulance ride at 1am to the hospital.  Since then I've had several episodes, both big and small.  Mostly it's been constant and never ending.  I've  baffled the physiotherapist who guaranteed that I would not need more than three treatments to be cured. My eight appointment is scheduled for Monday.

Vertigo is a horrible and debilitating condition.  Making it worse is that there are two young children who depend on me for life and so I must go on, despite the nagging desire to spiral into a deep depression. 

Speaking of those two young children, Lincoln is currently undergoing treatment for his second urinary tract infection. Crying. Screeeeeaming. Doctors visits. Antibiotics twice a day. Nursing every two hours around the clock. Renal ultrasound. And now waiting to hear from Children's Hospital for him to go have some more tests to ensure the valves between his bladder and his kidney are working properly. And if they're not... surgery.  He's four months old.

He's also started teething.  And he's caught the cold that his sister has.

Ruby's cold has prevented her from sleeping through the night and we have gone through an insane amount of Kleenex. She is also fairly... needy. SO NEEDY.

I was called to a meeting at work yesterday to discuss some changes in the company which will affect my position. Since I do not like to discuss work on my blog, can I just say did not go well, leaving me with some fairly big decisions to make about my future career.

ANY sort of of social life that I didn't have anyways has been completely wiped out.  My gym membership continues to be deducted from my account on the first of the month despite my gym card collecting dust in my purse. I can not leave the baby for more than an hour and a half at a time because he is refusing to take a bottle and he's hungry all the time.  I am starved for human (adult) contact and socialization. And perhaps the biggest travesty is that I can not even enjoy a cocktail to relax at the end of the day and/or ease my stress and/or fool myself into thinking I have some sort of social life because alcohol aggravates vertigo.

But... BUT...

The silver lining of it all?  I am learning to become a more disciplined person.  I am learning to take pleasure in small things.  (Very small things).  I am learning to be thankful for what I do have.  And for what I don't have.  Things could be worse after all, and I am acutely aware of that.  I am learning that I am stronger than I thought I ever was.  That I can endure far more than I ever thought I could.  That I actually can function on little to no sleep for days on end. I remind myself daily that while it might be hard for a long time, it won't be like this forever.  And hopefully in the meantime all this is making me a stronger/happier/smarter/better person.

The ride always has to end sometime.