Marital advice

Attention Husbands:

When your wife attends a party with you but leaves early to take care of your 14 month old daughter and also because she is 23 weeks pregnant and not into hanging with your drunk buddies – yet she tells you to stay and enjoy yourself, please take note of the following;

When you stumble home drunk – even if it is at a “decent time” because as you so proudly slur, you’re a “family man” – it is best that you just quietly slip under the covers and go to sleep. Or better yet, grab a blanket and head to the couch.

You should not wake your sleeping wife to talk about anything unless on the odd chance you came into a large sum of money while you were out and you would like to give it to her to go shopping or to the spa or the following day because dammit, she deserves it.

In fact, especially if you’ve been drinking hard liquor it would be preferable if you not open your mouth at all. Even to breath.

You should most certainly not wake your wife to tell her about your buddy’s wife’s friend who is “so nice”. And you should not go on AND ON about how nice she is.

And under NO CIRCUMSTANCES should you exclaim, “Did you know that she is 4 months pregnant???!!” because she’s so skinny that she’s not showing whatsoever.

Doing any or all of these things will cause your wife to contemplate waiting until you have slipped into your whiskey induced coma and then holding a pillow securely over your face, applying extra pressure around your mouth and nasal passage.

There will also be a fairly high price to pay in the day(s) following such an incident.