Notes from "Mommy and Me Auqafit Class"

*Any shred of self dignity or modesty that you may have been desperately grasping on to will quickly vanish as you have to get changed in a room full of women trying not to stare at your flobby, stretchmarked, sagging, drooping, cellulited, chubby body because those little changing stalls don't fit you plus a baby plus all your shit so you have to do it out in the wide open middle of a half full change room.

*That cartoonish baby-dragon-hatching-out-of-an-eggshell tattoo that you have on your hip that you got back in 1995 in the back of a van from a "travelling tattoo artist" that you're SO GLAD that nobody can see? Everybody can see it when you're wearing your bathing suit.

*Don't wear mascara to the pool. Because the lifeguard might decide to call animal control to get the drowning raccoon out of the shallow end.

*Went in with a band aid on, came out without it. Disgusting, I know.

*The things that a dry bathing suit barely holds together? And only if you stand very still? They will be hanging out and hanging down and hanging low and jiggling and wiggling after the bathing suit gets wet and the baby is grabbing and pulling at things. Leave your ego at the door.

*Don't scoff at a half hour aquafit workout with a baby thinking that you're doing it more for the baby's benefit than yours. Because your fat ass will be stiff and sore and tired after trying to elegantly do an aerobic routine in water while lifting and shifting and packing a 19lb baby. You will have to eat crow after the workout when you would really rather eat a big fat cheeseburger.