I made a trip to the vet today and was waiting in the reception area when an older broad walked in. She had hair that looked like it hadn't been brushed in a week that stood straight up and was frazzled out from too many home perms and some grown out blond coloring. She had the wrinkled up face and mouth of a heavy smoker and the voice of a whisky drinker.
This is how it went:
Lady: Hi there. I uh just thought I'd stop in and ask you a question. I don't know if you need to see my dog or not though.
Receptionist: What's going on with the dog?
Lady: Well my little She-She keeps licking her Pee-Pee.
Lady: Yeah she usually only licks her Pee-Pee after she goes pee. But now she licks it all the time. Sometimes I will be watching tv and then I look at her and she's licking it and I tell her "STOP IT!" and she stops but later on she will be doing it again.
Receptionist: Uh, what kind of dog is it?
Lady: She's a Shih-Tzu. I looked at her Pee-Pee and it looks normal (as she is drawing out the shape of a "Pee-Pee" with her finger on the counter) except it's really hard around the... um... around her Pee-Pee. I didn't know if I should bring her in or not. Could you tell me what's wrong?
Receptionist: Well, we would really need to see the dog. She may have a urinary tract infection and it might be painful for her.
Lady: Ok, because I wasn't sure if I needed to bring her in or not because she usually licks her Pee-Pee after she pees but like I said she's licking her Pee-Pee all the time now.
Receptionist: Yeah, you would need to bring her in and we would test her urine for an infection. Would you like to make an appointment?
Lady: Oh, ok. I guess I should bring her in then, cuz she's licking it quite a bit. More than usual.
Receptionist: (sets up appointment) And we'll need to get a urine sample from her so if you could try to not let her pee before coming in.
Lady: OH! Well there's no way I could stop her from doing that! Why don't I just try to get some of her pee myself and I'll bring it in.
Receptionist: No, actually we need a sterile sample so we need to take the sample here.
Lady: Ok well I'll bring her in tomorrow. We'll walk here.
Receptionist: Great see you tomorrow.
Lady: I'll be walking here with her tomorrow.
Receptionist: Ok. Bye bye now.
After the finger drawing of the Pee-Pee on the counter I maintained full eye contact with the laces on my runners to prevent any obvious jaw dropping or outbursts of laughter from msyelf.
Give that receptionist a medal for making it throug the whole convesation with a straight face.