Because I like that stuff too...

Steve will come home from work today to ice cold beer, sushi for dinner and the Canucks on TV and he will have had to do nothing to make it happen.

If you didn't know better, you might think it was HIS birthday today...

Junk collectors

Where I live, people sometimes put unwanted household items on the curb and other people sometimes come and take the unwanted items away.

Down the street from me, I came upon an old wooden dresser sitting out on the curb. It was certainly nothing special and was in rough shape. Scratched up. Missing knobs. Kids stickers stuck on it. But I saw potential in it. Plus I was in desperate need of something to rest my printer on in my "office" and I don't have a lot of money to spend.

Plus, the challenge of a little project had me interested.

It was with great effort that I convinced Steve to help me retrieve the piece of junk. Clearly he felt embarrassed about pulling up in front of someone's house and hauling away a piece of garbage that they had thrown out. I also think he was afraid we'd be somehow accused of stealing because he asked me, "Does it say anything on it?"

I said, "Like what?"

He said, "Like, FREE???"

In the end I talked him into helping me load it into the back of our car. Under the cover of night, we may well have completed the fastest junk pickup of all time.

Here's what it looked like when we brought it home:



I picked up some paint and knobs at a discounted price since Steve works for a building supply company and gets a wicked discount at a certain home renovation store.

It didn't turn out exactly as I had envisioned but for under 20 bucks, I ended up with this:


As we were carrying the finished product in the house, Steve asked me if I wanted to go drive around to look for more "junk".

How to screw yourself out of a tip

My good friend Lori and I have been on the hunt for somewhere to get a decent pedicure at a decent price. Somewhere where they speak english and don't get carried away with shaving the callouses off my feet so that the skin on my heels is comparable to parchment paper making it painful to actually walk, and causing them to crack and bleed so that I limp for the next two months until they repair themselves....

We found somewhere that looked like it had potential and I tried it out yesterday.

When I walked through the doors the receptionist eagerly asked, "Are you Tarable?!"

They were expecting me, good.

But then for the next 5 minutes no less than 5 different people came out from "the back" to look at me and ask the receptionist something in Punjabi and then look at me again and say, "someone will be right with you."

I sat in the waiting area for 5 or 10 minutes while I watched some fat kid eating an ice cream cone wander the hallways of the spa. No idea why he was there but I was fairly certain it wasn't for a pedicure. (Maybe it was for the body slimming wrap?)

Eventually my girl came out and claimed me and brought me back to the room where I would get my pedicure. (I had to dodge the ice cream cone kid on my way down the narrow hallway.)

No sooner had I sat in the vibrating "massage" chair did the chatter start. At first it was about my feet: "When was your last pedicure? Do you get them done very often? Do you ever put cream on them? Do you want the pink base coat - it's really pretty?!"

Then she launched into a lecture about what terrible shape my feet are in, how I don't take very good care of them and how feet are a very important part of your body and I must take better care of them.

I was suddenly having a flashback of my last visit at the dentist when I foolishly admitted to not flossing as often as I should...

She somehow cleverly talked me into getting a more expensive pedicure than the one I had booked - because if I did not get the more intense, more costly pedicure, apparently my feet would rot and fall off... or something like that.

I am a sucker.

Once she started actually working on my pedicure I figured the chatter would stop and I could relax. Not so. She started rapid firing questions at me: Are you married? Do you have kids? How old is the baby? Is it your first? What's the baby's name? That's a strange name for a white person, Ruby is usually an East Indian name. Where is the baby now? Are you breastfeeding? How will the baby get fed while you are here getting a pedicure?

And finally, the big tip reducer: Did you gain the weight after the baby or during your pregnancy?

Uh... Pardon moi?

I'm not sure if that was exactly what she was trying to say - I think she meant "Did you get fat while you were pregnant or were you already fat before??" Either way, I would think that any questions about weight should probably be avoided when you are in the profession of trying to make people feel good.

And because I was at a loss for words, I told her that yes I had gained some weight during my pregnancy.

She advised that I continue breastfeeding then, because that would help my weight come off. Oh, and that she knows this because both her parents are doctors in India and she used to hang around their offices quite a bit so she knows a lot of stuff.

*sigh*

Thanks for the advice, honey - and for saving me from feeling guilty about leaving you a shitty tip.

An hour and a half later when I was finally freed from my pedicure chamber, I walked to the front desk to pay. The fat kid and his ice cream cone were long gone but there were 3 or 4 staff members lounging around the reception area. They looked at my toes and started congratulating my girl on what a "good job" she did on them! "Wow. That's really good." Somehow it felt like they were telling a 4 year old that she did a really good job coloring inside the lines! (Even though she didn't).

The final cost of the pedicure was exuberant. For that price I expect to be served a glass of *wine with my pedicure, and I would expect that nobody takes shots at my weight. At half that price you can tell me I need to lose weight all you like but once we're into this price range, the pedicurist should only speak when spoken to.

And the kicker? 6 hours later when I sat cross legged, my french pedicure smudged... because the shit wasn't dry yet!! SIX HOURS LATER! I was so disappointed I wanted to puke.

And so the search continues. Lori, we must keep looking for that magical place where service is good and the price is decent, and where they don't tell you you're fat.



*Where the hell ARE those spas that serve wine anyways? Do I have to know a secret password when they offer me tea, coffee or cranberry juice? Should I wink and say I'd like some "grape juice" when they offer me a beverage? How does that work anyways?

They don't serve sushi in prison

Sitting across the table from Steve yesterday while he flipped through the newspaper, he said:

"Just think of those gangsters going to jail. They will never get to eat sushi. It will be all pancakes and mashed potatoes for them. Tsk. Tsk."

Because apparently if there is one thing deterring him from committing a heinous crime, it is the fear that he might go to jail, where there is no sushi.

Superstitious

For anyone who doesn't already know... we are serious Canuck fans in this house.

Last night marked game 1 of the Stanley Cup playoffs and I had the baby dressed for the occasion (the dog was off the hook this time):

It pleased Steve to no end to come home from work to see her in her retro Canucks jersey (courtesy of Uncle Craig). She wore it through the evening and watched the first period of the game from the comforts of his lap.

The Canucks were up by a goal after the first period and I heard him tell her, "If they win, we cannot wash your jersey!"

Then he told me that she must wear the shirt until the game was over.

Ha ha, yes, yes, that's cute. But I must go put her in her jammies now and get her ready for bed.

"After you put her jammies on can you please put the jersey on over top of them?"

Uhhh... ok.

So when I brought her back to the living room wearing her jammies with the jersey just draped over her, he freaked.

"PUT IT BACK ON HER!!! THEY'RE WINNING!!!"

Even though she was super sleepy at this point and not very cooperative, we put the jersey back on, over her little jammies.

Sometime during the second period though, it was bedtime. So I took her down the hall and slipped the jersey off her and laid her in her crib.

Steve was about 10 steps behind me like a hawk, watching for that jersey.

"You took it off her!!!? Put it back on!"

I then had to explain to him the hazards of loose clothing on a sleeping baby and how it would be very BAD LUCK if Ruby suffocated on her Canucks jersey.

In the end, he reluctantly agreed to this:
(Note Ruby sleeping in crib):

Now there is the matter of not washing the jersey until playoffs are over... the kid spills some serious bodily fluids - this could get pretty gross if the Canucks make it a couple of rounds.

The story of "She-She and her Pee-Pee"

I made a trip to the vet today and was waiting in the reception area when an older broad walked in. She had hair that looked like it hadn't been brushed in a week that stood straight up and was frazzled out from too many home perms and some grown out blond coloring. She had the wrinkled up face and mouth of a heavy smoker and the voice of a whisky drinker.

This is how it went:


Lady: Hi there. I uh just thought I'd stop in and ask you a question. I don't know if you need to see my dog or not though.

Receptionist: What's going on with the dog?

Lady: Well my little She-She keeps licking her Pee-Pee.

Receptionist: Ok...

Lady: Yeah she usually only licks her Pee-Pee after she goes pee. But now she licks it all the time. Sometimes I will be watching tv and then I look at her and she's licking it and I tell her "STOP IT!" and she stops but later on she will be doing it again.

Receptionist: Uh, what kind of dog is it?

Lady: She's a Shih-Tzu. I looked at her Pee-Pee and it looks normal (as she is drawing out the shape of a "Pee-Pee" with her finger on the counter) except it's really hard around the... um... around her Pee-Pee. I didn't know if I should bring her in or not. Could you tell me what's wrong?

Receptionist: Well, we would really need to see the dog. She may have a urinary tract infection and it might be painful for her.

Lady: Ok, because I wasn't sure if I needed to bring her in or not because she usually licks her Pee-Pee after she pees but like I said she's licking her Pee-Pee all the time now.

Receptionist: Yeah, you would need to bring her in and we would test her urine for an infection. Would you like to make an appointment?

Lady: Oh, ok. I guess I should bring her in then, cuz she's licking it quite a bit. More than usual.

Receptionist: (sets up appointment) And we'll need to get a urine sample from her so if you could try to not let her pee before coming in.

Lady: OH! Well there's no way I could stop her from doing that! Why don't I just try to get some of her pee myself and I'll bring it in.

Receptionist: No, actually we need a sterile sample so we need to take the sample here.

Lady: Ok well I'll bring her in tomorrow. We'll walk here.

Receptionist: Great see you tomorrow.

Lady: I'll be walking here with her tomorrow.

Receptionist: Ok. Bye bye now.


After the finger drawing of the Pee-Pee on the counter I maintained full eye contact with the laces on my runners to prevent any obvious jaw dropping or outbursts of laughter from msyelf.

Give that receptionist a medal for making it throug the whole convesation with a straight face.

Good Day

I woke up and the sun was shining.

After Ruby ate, she fell back asleep and I was able to sweep, vacuum and mop the floors.

When Ruby woke from her nap she was in a good mood and I was able to clean the bathroom.

Then my parents arrived at my house and took over the care of Ruby.

I was able to make and eat a healthy lunch.

I then left Ruby in the care of her Grandma and I went out, not toting a baby or a diaper bag.

I got to browse around Chapters for as long as I wanted.

I bought 3 new books.

Then I went to the grocery store and took my sweet ass time picking up some groceries.

On my way home I swung by the coffee shop and got a chai tea latte.

When I got home Ruby was happy as a lark.

My mom had scrubbed my stove, sink, cupboards and counters to a spotless clean.

My dad had mowed the lawn.

Tonight when I crawl into bed it will be with a new book.

I need more days like this.

What has happened to me

Thursday was a lovely evening with the sun shining so my little family went out for a walk.

We were about 15 minutes into it when I looked at Steve and noticed how nice he looked. Wearing a pair of white board shorts with a nice orange t-shirt and a brown and orange zip-up sweatshirt. Ruby was stylin' (as usual) in a matching pink outfit, and even Quincy looked good with her leather Roots collar and her orange Harley Davidson leash (which also matched with Steve's ensemble).

Then I looked down at myself...

Dear god, what has happened to me?

First I will pathetically defend myself by saying... we were just going out for some exercise - not out for dinner, not out for cocktails, not to anyone's house for a visit. We weren't going to see anyone we knew (thank Christ). We weren't even on any main streets where there was any stores or restaurants. There is also the argument that I had spent so much energy getting everyone else ready and presentable to go for a walk that I neglected to pay attention to what I was wearing.

That being said, I don't know if I can ever come up with an excuse good enough to leave my house wearing a pair of MOSS GREEN yoga pants and an ill-fitted PURPLE t-shirt.

What have I become?

There was a time when I wouldn't leave the house without a nice fitting, color co-ordinated outfit - usually in the slimming color of black. NO MATTER where I was going. EVEN IF I was only going out to exercise. For Pete's sake I remember not that long ago when I didn't want to buy a certain pair of runners because the TRIM on them was a color that I didn't like and wouldn't normally wear - even if those runners felt like they were manufactured especially for my feet.

And now? Have I lost all self respect? Green pants and a purple t-shirt?

I must take this experience and learn from it. It will serve as a warning of what I could become if I allowed this sort of careless behavior to continue. I vow to pay much closer attention to my attire before stepping foot outside this house.

Because I am fully aware that this situation is only a few steps away from going to Safeway in my jammies... and I can NEVER allow myself to fall that far.

Water bottles

I drink a lot of water. When I'm at home it comes from my tap because we have lovely water, but if I'm out and I need a drink I always buy a bottle of water. I've been doing it that way for years. And I always, always throw my empty water bottles into the recycling bin.

And then this big campaign started up a while ago about how terrible water bottles are and how nobody should buy them and how many places have been encouraged to stop selling them and how people should start carrying their own personal water bottles to save the environment.

Ok, first thing I need to say about that is that water is so good for you and we should all be drinking it. Lots of it. Banning the sale of water bottles just seems a little bit ridiculous to me because what is the alternative if we're out and about and need or want to drink something?Pop. (HA! You thought I was going to say beer, didn't you??) And wasn't that the last big campaign that came out? How we all drink too much pop and should drink more water? And I also wonder this... how are bottles that once contained pop any different for the environment than bottles that once contained water??? So banning water bottles seems like a really stupid idea to me.

HOWEVER, the other day when I was out and about I came across some neat looking light, stainless steel water bottles. I hemmed and hawed about buying one but ended up deciding to go ahead and get one. I am walking a lot these days and that neat looking reusable water bottle fit nicely into my drink holder on my stroller. I figured I could fill it up before I left the house and not have to worry about buying (or recycling) a plastic water bottle from a store.

And yesterday I tried it out.

When I got home from my walk to the grocery store (yes, the same walk that got cancelled the other day due to a cranky pants baby), I was unloading my stroller in the driveway and in an effort to have less stuff to carry into the house, I threw the water bottle (which had a tightly screwed-on lid) into a bag of groceries along with my wallet and cell phone. I got into the house and ran around to quickly do a few things before unloading my groceries. When I got around to carrying the bags to the kitchen, ONE of the bags was dripping profusely across my floor!

Why yes, it was that bag that contained my earth-friendly, reusable water bottle... and my wallet... AND MY CELL PHONE!

The stupid bottle had leaked out and pooled in the bottom of the grocery bag and my cell phone was completely submerged.

I pulled the phone out and took it apart and wrapped it in a diaper (apparently that's supposed to draw the water out and help speed the drying of accidentally waterlogged electronic items). Hours later, the phone was still not working and filled with condensation. A new cell phone would be very expensive.

Way more expensive than a convenient, disposable, earth-destroying, plastic water bottle.

One that would never have leaked onto my shit.

I have to tell you, I can't help but feel a little slighted by the whole situation. I went against my better judgement and tried to do a little earth friendly deed and this is the thanks I get from Mother Earth.

So.... Up yours, Mother Earth! I am going back to plastic!

Change of plans

Today I planned on going out for a nice long walk the beautiful sunshine. I was going to lace up my runners and put Ruby in her stroller and make the trek to the big grocery store to pick up our veggies and WW supplies for the week.

And then Ruby had a meltdown... a big one.

And then I wanted to have a meltdown.

And then Ruby fell asleep.

And then I decided that instead of going for a walk I would sit on my patio with a drink and a magazine while Ruby sleeps off her snit.

Seven Ways Big Ten Football Can Resurrect Itself

After two laughable National Championship efforts by Ohio State and two awful Rose Bowl appearances by Penn State and Ilinois, Big Ten football is a joke in the world of NCAA Nation. And the pundits haven’t even a Big Ten winner factored into next year’s National Championship game – or in the country’s top 10. Here’s six ways the Big Ten can better.


1. Ohio State have to roll USC

On September 12th, the gods of USC will be rolling into Columbus, Ohio for the biggest game of the season.
Never mind the fact that USC may well be starting a quarterback who’s only in his third game (Matt Barclay), or that their linebacking corps is playing for the big bucks, or the fact that The Horseshoe’s not exactly the easiest place to play in – if Ohio State beat the all-worshipped USC then suddenly the tongues will get wagging.

2. It would be nice if Michigan beats Notre Dame, too

With no starting quarterback (Steven Threet’s already said “Sianora” to Ann Arbor) of note, a laughable 3-9 record last year and a coach that’s not exactly become ‘persona grata’ at the University of Michigan’s campus, no-one thinks that Michigan might beat Notre Dame, who some are already tipping for a BCS attendance this year. Again, beating Notre Dame would enhance the league’s credibility.

3. Penn State better not lose

If the Big Ten wants Ohio State and Michigan to win their big-time non-conference games, they could definitely do with Penn State beating their Krispy Kreme schedule. The logic goes back to 2007: even if Michigan had run the table after the loss against Appalachian State, it would have been considered a joke if they played in a National Title game. The same goes for anyone in the Big Ten playing a ‘cupcake’.

4. A close, competitive division would be nice

In 2008, the Big Ten had one week – Hallowe’en weekend– when almost every game was a close one. Apart from that, Ohio State and Penn State waltzed their division and the rest was pretty much academic. Although Illinois and Wisconsin have briefly threatened the fold, generally Big Ten titles haven’t gone beyond the Nittany Lions, Buckeyes, and Wolverines. As a Penn State fan, I’d want my team to run the table. If you’re a Big Ten fan you’ll want to win their non-conference games and go .500 against each other. That means that’ll it’ll all come down to the last game of the season. How fun would that be?

5. If No.4 falls apart, then we need three strong teams

Joe Paterno talks about everyone from Cal Berkley to UC Davis as good football teams. He needs three in his own division if the Big Ten is to make headlines this year. And if you’re talking big-time programs, then there are no bigger in the Big Ten than Penn State, Ohio State and Michigan. If all teams run the table until they start playing each other (Note for your diary: PSU-Michigan’s on October 24th), suddenly the Big Ten becomes the Big XII South – a division that everyone’s going to be talked about right until the end.

6. And one of the them HAS to be Michigan

After the loss to Appalachian State in 2007 and the nine losses in 2008, Michigan football is close to a national joke. People have forgotten about the fact that they knocked off Florida in a 2008 bowl game. And with Nick Sheridan sidelined for the rest of the Spring, they don’t have any real quarterbacking experience to speak of. And Brandon Minor’s good, but he doesn’t exactly get my juices flowing as an All American – or All Big Ten – running back. Despite all this, the Big Ten NEEDS a strong Michigan. Hell, college football needs a strong Michigan.

7. Start people talking about under-the-radar teams

We’ve gassed on long enough about PSU, OSU and UM. But how about Illinois, Wisconsin and Iowa? Have people forgotten them? Iowa knocked off one of the best teams in the country and had the Big Ten’s only victory in a bowl game. Wisconsin have an incredible fanbase that deserves better. And Ron Zook has taken Illinois from the grave to be a formidable, Rose Bowl-attending (but losing) team in his first few seasons.
However, that’s the past. This year should see Wisconsin waltz through its non-conference schedule, Iowa has potential banana in-state banana skins in Northern Iowa and Iowa State and then Arizona even before the Big Ten season starts. And if Illinois beats Missouri on Opening Day, then people might start some noise early.

If you can add to this debate, it would be appreciated. Have we left anything out?


What I Learned Today #15

Today I learned that if I spend a week working hard at preparing healthy meals, eating sensibly, following the WW plan to a tee, and walking enough miles to get to Saskatchewan and back while pushing a stroller - all the while looking after a 3 1/2 month old baby and taking care of a household, and at the same time my husband decides he wants to lose weight too so he half-assed follows WW and doesn't do a lick of exercise and just rides my WW wave then HE will lose 6lbs in the first week and I will only lose 3.2lbs.

And while I am happy with the 3.2lb loss, I can't help but feel a teensy weensy, itty bitty, tiny little bit BITTER about how the "effort to loss" ratio didn't quite work out in my favor.

Bastard.

April Fools

Ha Ha Ha!

SNOW!

Good one, Mother Nature, good one. You're always such a good prankster.

Yep, that was a good one.

Ok... we get it, you're funny. Enough now.


Seriously. Enough.

*sigh*

You never know when enough is enough, do you?