Today I got out alone to run some errands.

I desperately needed hair dye (to repair a previous botched attempt at some highlights), toothpaste, laundry soap and laundry baskets, thank you cards that are big enough to fit a photograph in (these don't exist by the way) and veggies.

I started at Walmart to get the dye, toothpaste (which I forgot), laundry soap and baskets. Considering it is a Monday afternoon, the place is relatively quiet - which I am grateful for. I thought I would be in and out within 20 minutes. And I would have been if it were not for the lady running the till. Why is the shortest lineup always the one with the slowest cashier?

I'll tell you why - because most people stand in the lineup only long enough to realize she is one of "those" cashiers and go find a faster one. Unfortunately I thought I'd tough it out since I was only 3rd in line.

I really should have found another till.

It was painful to watcher her remove a garment from the conveyor belt. Remove the hanger from the garment. Put the hanger in the basket below the til. Fold the garment. Struggle with the plastic bags. Open a plastic bag. Stop entirely to listen to an announcement asking for Gurdeep Sandhu from sporting goods to call customer service (even though she is white with short, red, roller-set hair and is clearly not Gurdeep). Resume putting the garment in the plastic bag. And then repeat all over again with the next garment on the conveyor.

I thought I was going to lose my shit by the time she got to the fifth garment.

Out the door and over to the veggie market - where I was followed around by an elderly gentleman who's white hair had at one point been dyed brown but had since grown out considerably and never retouched. I'm not sure if he didn't know what veggies to buy so he just thought he would get the same items I was getting or if he was playing some kind of mind game with me but he would walk up and stand beside me and wait for me to fill my paper bag with mushrooms and then when I was done he would fill his paper bag with mushrooms, when I was picking out a nice head of broccoli he stood beside me and waited until I was done and then he picked out some broccoli. Cauliflower. Carrots. Brussel sprouts. And if it WAS a coincidence that we had the same taste in veggies, he maybe should have picked out his broccoli while I was getting my carrots.

I do realize that those isles are not the widest but still I don't think my ass is so wide he couldn't have gone around me and come back to the brussel sprouts later instead of standing and waiting for me to pick out mine.

Besides it being creepy and annoying - I'm funny about my personal space. Get lost.

Off to the dollar store to try to find some thank you cards that would fit a photograph inside. I could find nothing of the sort so I picked some nice cards that were just blank on the inside. I picked four of them and headed to the till...

Could somebody please fill me in on dollar store shopping - because admittedly I don't do a lot of it - but what the hell is with the mini, child-sized carts - with the 8 foot pole attached to them??? Why are they so small??? And what the hell is that pole for???

These are questions I was pondering as I was walking to the till and saw a woman unloading one of these carts at the till which was filled to the top with Easter candy. And then just as I got there, a woman who was probably as old as dirt, with bright red lipstick, horn rimmed glasses, a bouffant hairstyle, in a tight velour track suit with an ass as wide as Ontario wheeled her mini-cart-with-a-stripper-pole right in front of me and cut me off - even though she eyed me up and saw that I was holding just a couple of greeting cards in my hand and her cart was full to the brim. She then looked me in the eye and let out a big cigarette smoke sigh...

When I realized that Tweedle-Dee and Tweedle-Dum were trying to run the till together but making the process slower instead of faster and not opening up another till despite a line developing, I tossed the greeting cards aside and stormed out before someone got hurt. (I will improvise with thank you cards that I already have and use big envelopes that don't match.)

Sometimes it's not worth it to leave the house.