So I go to this secret venue and there were only about 10 people there! I couldn't beleive it! Where was everyone??? I ended up sitting at a table of elderly ladies who were in full-on ball gowns and were holding up signs with the names of their favorite White Stripes songs on them - except they had the names of the songs all wrong. Anyways, Jack and Meg played awesome and I got to be right up close to them (the place was practically empty, after all). Meg even let me come on stage and mess around with her drum kit for a bit.
After that I went out to the country where I was staying (I know I said I was staying with the White Stripes in a fancy house but things changed). I ended up in a dirty, dusty shed in a sort of "wild west" type of desert area. There was a girl there who really wanted to get into town but she was exhausted and could hardly hold herself up. But then she found this horse that had been skinnned and was covered in blood, but was still alive so she put a blanket on it's back and then climbed up on the poor horse and rode away while slumped against the horses neck. She was very clearly exhausted. I don't know what happened to the horse.
Crazy dreams lately.
Truth be told, the actual day of Christmas was quite nice this year. It's just all the bullshit and buildup to it that I cannot stand. (And also the big hole in my bank account hurts too.)
As is tradition in my house on December 26th - any and ALL traces of Christmas are boxed up within one hour of my waking up in the morning, and put away in the closet. This is now a Christmas free zone!
Today is also a fresh start in a new week of eating healthy. I love a fresh start.
I must say though that although I was not as disciplined as I would have been on any given "normal" week, I managed to get through the past week without blowing it too badly. I maintained a fairly decent level of exercise and the only day I probably ate more calories than I should have was yesterday - Christmas day. And I think that's ok.
Now if I can get through New Years without too much trouble... I'm rockin'.
And so I was happily (or so I thought) running around, buying gifts for everyone on my list when I turned a corner and who did I run into? Well it was none other than Depression! Hello there Depression, my old nemesis. How are you? What brings you here?? Oh and look! I see you're here complete with Teary Eyes, Sulking in the Dark, Heavy Heart and even Nightmares as an added bonus! Well that's just fantastic!
I can't help but feel that my attempt at forcing myself to enjoy Christmas this year has been misconstrued as genuine enjoyment of the season. And maybe that has caused me to be somewhat taken advantage of.
I've had to spend all my money and buy all the gifts this year. I've had to do all the shopping. All of it. Including some of the shopping for my own gifts since Steve is not the greatest at getting out and doing that sort of thing. And if I don't do it I may be dissapointed on Christmas morning. Oh I know it's not all about that, but sometimes it is.
We had guests over the other night to watch the hockey game. We paid for the game. I made and supplied all the food, and we supplied the booze - unintentionally. We told them to BYOB but but they didn't - even though there is a cold beer and wine store just steps from my house. Then they invited another person - who also didn't bring any booze and who also drank whatever was in our fridge. And then when our booze ran out, the boys went and bought more and paid for it with the $50 that I had earned on my spare time for Christmas money.
I have spoiled everyone on my list. Made sure to get everyone something that I know they will love. Also Steve's stocking is overflowing with goodies. But he asked me the other day if he really needs to fill my stocking because he has already spent his money...?
I'm finding it hard to stay on the diet track as well. I mean really, what the fuck do these Weight Watchers people expect? They drive it home to you that you NEED to keep up the diet over the holidays and you NEED to keep up the exercise and you NEED to keep attending the meetings - even if your regular meetings are cancelled (as are MOST of the meetings) for the next two weeks - they want you to drag your sorry ass in to some god awful 8am Saturday morning meeting! They even send out email reminders!!! COME ON!!! There is enough pressure on me to just stay fucking sane and not go on a big binge. I can only take so much! On the other hand, I DO NOT want to gain any weight over the season. I don't like Christmas enough to make it ok for me to gain weight. I'm fucking tormented with this!
And now as I contemplate going outside for a jog, I peek through the blinds to see that I'm in the middle of a snow storm. So much for that.
So there you have it. I tried and it didn't work out for me. Backfired on me actually. Christmas is just not for me.
Don't worry though, for anyone who sees me over the next few days, I'm not going to drag you all down with me. I'll paste a smile on my face and go through the motions and none of you will need to be any the wiser. Just carry on your merry little way.
So yesterday when I came home after being out for a few hours, and I walked into our bedroom, I was horrified to see all his stocking stuffers and one of his gifts spread out all over the bedroom floor! How could he do this!? Why would he do this?! And why wouldn't he have at least put them back under the bed so I didn't know he peaked!?
I ran to the banister and screeched at him from upstairs. "STEVE!!! What have you done??!"
He started to race up the stairs saying "What?!! What's wrong??!!"
And it was when I saw the panic and confusion in his eyes that I realized what had happened...
Indeed, somebody was snooping for their gifts. And that somebody found some gifts - some of which happen to be edible, and this particular somebody loves to eat. And so when this somebody sniffed out the edible stocking stuffers, they dragged them and all the other gifts out from under the bed to have a look and maybe possibly even have a taste. Unfortunately this somebody wasn't very good at covering their tracks and they forgot to put the gifts back where they found them.
I had hoped to make it to 25 lbs lost tonight at my weigh in meeting, but I could only squeeze out a 24.6 lbs lost. Yes, it's pretty much there, still it's not quite there.
A couple of small things I suppose:
~ The snowfall that we had a few weeks ago definitely helped a little and even got me out doing some Christmas shopping.
(A couple of weeks ago!! I know!!!)
~ We’re in somewhat better shape financially this year. Not much, but we’re not struggling as we have in past years. I also won a couple of hundred dollars playing Keno a few weeks back which definitely helped keep me on track not to mention put me in a great mood.
~ Steve and I were hit with some pretty heavy, life altering news last year just before Christmas and although there is still a hole in our lives from that, we have somewhat adjusted.
~ I’ve lost some weight in the past few months (23lbs and going). This just makes me feel better about myself no matter what time of year it is, but definitely helps me at this time.
~ I’ve also spent some time with some new girlfriends this year and I’m really thankful for that. It’s made such a difference in my happiness to have friends that are easy to be with. We did a “tree trimming” (read: excuse to booze it up with girlfriends) the other weekend which was lots of fun and very festive.
Still, there are challenges that make it hard to get into the spirit:
~ There was a family tragedy in this past weekend and we’ve all been affected. A lot of my family lives across the country and it is difficult to not be able to be there to help. It makes me feel sick to my stomach that the state of the world is where it is and my heart is saddened. Hopefully everyone can manage through such a difficult situation.
~ As mentioned earlier in this post, I’ve lost some weight and I’d like to (I will) keep it that way and continue losing more - despite December and all it's excuses to be bad (oh how I LOVE excuses to be bad). So that does put a little damper on what I can and cannot indulge in. Kind of minor, but it’s still there.
~ And finally the big, fun family Christmas dinners of years past have not been replaced despite my efforts. I’ve tried to get all the local family members together for Christmas dinner but this has proved futile as not all family members are interested in such things. At first, I was disappointed and hurt by this but have now adopted the “fuck it” attitude, and plan on having a fantastic time with what we’ve got – which is a small family. But with the right people, the right attitude, and a little bit of effort, it might be fun.
So I’m not going all Christmas crazy this year but I might string up some garland or something and I’m going to make sure our Christmas dinner is fun and enjoyable and I'll probably even buy some ridiculous Christmas outfit to make Quincy wear because that always makes me laugh.
Even the Grinch was converted eventually, right?
PS: I’m still not sending out Christmas cards so don’t be spending the holidays waiting at your mailbox for anything from me!
Bell: That man that shot you died in prison.
Ellis: In Angola. Yeah.
Bell: What would you a done if he'd been released?
Ellis: I don't know. Nothin. Wouldn't be no point to it.
Bell: I'm kindly surprised to hear you say that.
Ellis: All the time you spend tryin to get back what's been took from you there's more goin out the door. After a while you just try and get a tourniquet on it.
Ok, this speaks to me. Loudly. I myself have spent a lot of time in my life trying to get back what I’ve lost only to essentially lose more – in a sense. There comes a time when a person needs to just accept what has happened, learn from it, stop the bleeding and move on. After seeing this scene in the movie, lights went on and bells went off - in my head, of course. (And not just the punk’s cellphone who was seated next to me)
DING DING DING!!!
Time to get a tourniquet on things.
Fast forward to last night… I went to see the movie No Country For Old Men. The first time I saw the trailer for this movie I knew that it was something I HAD to see. I made a conscious effort to find out as little about it as possible. I didn’t read any reviews or summaries and to be honest, I wasn’t even sure what the story was about – and that’s the way I like it. Because why would I want to spoil a movie by being tainted with somebody else’s opinions and ideas? I went into it as a completely clean slate. Not a big movie kind of gal, it’s very rare that a movie ever comes out that I’m DYING to see. But last night, walking to the movie theatre, I was almost giddy with excitement.
I loved the movie*. Thoroughly. Enjoyed. It. Unfortunately, I’m no good at writing movie (or book) reviews so I’ll spare you my babble. But what I found out as I was sitting in the dark theatre after the movie was over and the credits were rolling on the screen, was that this movie was based on the novel by none other than… Cormac McCarthy.
WHY OH WHY did I snub the book??? This would have been a FANTASTIC book to read. Obviously I cannot read it now, I’ve already seen the movie!!! And also, as I have mentioned before, I wouldn’t be caught dead with a book in my hand that is currently being shown in theatres.
Lesson learned. No more judging a book by it’s genre. I’ll be heading to the bookstore this week to pick up any other books by Cormac McCarthy and then holing up in my house franticly reading them before any more of them are made into movies (as I understand there is another in the making).
*Future blog post coming regarding a particular scene in No Country For Old Men.