That would also explain why I couldn't form a lucid thought - never mind write a blog post.
Ok, so now that I know what's wrong and I'm confident that I'm not having a brain aneurysm, I'm going to take some funky pain relief and go to bed.
However it seems that my head isn't feeling quite right. I've had a headache for 2 or 3 days now. Besides that, the inside of my head just feels like it's full of thick fog. Your standard pain relievers don't help and in fact they seem to make the fog thicken. I've got a couple of items that I want to write about and have even started to write a couple of times but I just couldn't make it happen. Sentences weren't coming together, things weren't making sense - and I just ended up deleting everything.
So when the fog lifts I will start writing again.
In our early 20's we were a couple of crazy girls. Both feisty and a little wild. We had lots of wild and crazy times together. But we ended up losing touch and haven't seen or talked in 12 years. But thanks to the magic that is F.Book - we found each other. We don't even live very far apart.
So we had a little reunion and it was like we'd never been apart.
I'm still recovering...
So your job sucks and it completely drains you each and every day. Get working on your resume then! You know damn well that things aren’t going to get any better. Sure you work close to home and your hours are somewhat flexible. Sure you’ve got a pension and benefits. And yes, I know that the devil you know is sometime better than the devil you don’t. But you know you’re being treated poorly and you know you're not being paid enough. There are other jobs out there! Good jobs. GREAT jobs. Certainly jobs that are better than what you’re dealing with now. You're a great employee and any company would be lucky to have you work for them. But you’ll never get anything better if you don’t at least apply!
I know you are feeling a bit down because you’re not losing weight as fast as you would like. Just stop that right now. You have lost 8.6 lbs so far and you should be proud of that. You are working so hard at it and that should make you feel good about yourself. You are making some very positive and healthy changes – even if it doesn’t show on the scale as much as you would like. And at least it is coming off – and at a steady rate I might add. Just keep it up. Before you know it you will have lost 20lbs and then maybe 30lbs and then maybe more. But your shitty mood is not going to do anything to get you there and you know that.
Yes, it is extremely difficult that you and Steve are struggling with infertility. I know how badly you two want to be parents. And right now it is eating away at you. You’ve been very good at blocking it out lately, I must say. But things happen, things come up, conversations go a certain way, you see a cute baby, people say certain things and then you’re left thinking about it again. There’s really nothing that I or anyone else can say to make this easier – or at least if there is, you haven’t heard it yet. I know that nobody truly understands how difficult it is for you. It’s a very scary and traumatic part of your life. Just don’t forget that no matter how this part of your life turns out, you and Steve are very strong together and love each other very much. You have a fantastic relationship and you have a lot of fun together. That is more than a lot of people have. Take comfort in each other. Take care of each other.
As for you feeling bored with life right now, you do know that that goes hand in hand with feeling depressed right? But maybe you should think about taking up some sort of hobby? I don't know what but maybe you should poke around and find something that you like doing. You've been reading alot lately and that's good but it's not cutting it for you is it? Well, you used to cross stitch, what about picking that up again? I know, I know it's pretty geeky. Well maybe there's something else out there that you could try? And don't forget that hockey season is starting up again. That always occupies a good chunk of your social life, doesn't it? And it's going to be great to watch on your new fancy TV and sound system.
And stop worrying about things that are out of your control. And in no way am I referring to the above paragraph because that would just be totally insensitive. I'm talking about the day to day things in your life. Remember: “Worrying is the equivalent of trying to solve a math equation by chewing bubble gum”. It’s useless. Worry is a wasted emotion.
You know that you will get in these "moods" periodically in your life. You of all people know that you have to at least try when you get feeling like this. A lot of people don't get it and they just see you as the miserable, bitter, absolute bitch that you can become - without realizing, or thinking about the turmoil you are fighting on the inside.
You are a wonderful person. You’re pretty and funny and smart and you have a lot going for you. Try to concentrate more on those things, ok? Now I hope you take at least some of what I’ve said to you and think about it and work on it and feel better soon.
Note: the orignal recipe called for some soy parmesan cheese product to top it off but since I omitted that - I deducted one point.
WHOLE WHEAT CHILI-MAC
Makes 6 servings (about 1 1/4 cup each)
Points per serving: 5
12 oz uncooked lean ground beef (I used extra lean)
1 medium onion, chopped
14 1/2oz stewed tomatoes, mexican style (I only found Chili Style - same thing)
1 1/4 cup canned tomato sauce
2 Tbsp canned green chili peppers, diced, drained
2 tsp chili powder
1 tsp cumin
1 cup dry, whole wheat macaroni
15oz canned kidney beans, drained and rinsed
In a large skillet, cook beef and onion until meat is browned. Drain. Stir in stewed tomatoes, tomato sauce, chili peppers, chili powder, cumin. Bring to a boil.
Stir in macaroni and kidney beans. Return to a boil, reduce heat, simmer until macaroni is tender - about 15 minutes.
I had been wondering about Spanx. I've seen them advertised a lot. They were even featured on Oprah. (Oprah is a fan of the Spanx). So when the sales woman told me that she recently bought a pair and then went on about how truely wonderful they are - I thought I'd try them out.
Well friends, they really are as wonderful as all the hype. They totally smooth out any extra lumps or rolls that you may have and smooth out your figure.
So this morning as I'm getting ready to leave the house - Steve looks me up and down and says this:
"You look good, babe! You've got your skank on."
S. P. A. N. X.
Look out Whistler! Here I come. And I've got my skank on!
Well so far, I've endured the following:
* I've taken on triple the workload.
* I was denied vacation time when I was close to a nervous breakdown due to an extremely difficult medical situation.
* I've been insulted with a 2% raise - which was stardard for all office employees.
* I've been bombarded with employee complaints about their cheques - 90% of which are illegitamate.
* I've had greivances filed against me for the way I do payroll - which is the exact way I've been instructed to by my bosses.
* I've been forced to implement new company procedures which the employees strongly opposed and it was passed off as my idea.
* I've recieved nasty letters from the employees.
* I've taken the wrath of the employees who are disgruntled that I was given the work of the entire payroll department.
* Daily, I have to explain the same thing over and over again to employees who do not understand how to read their pay explanation - even though it has not changed for the past 5 years.
None of these things have brought me to my breaking point - although it's been close a few times.
But this latest incident may just have done it. This morning, I had a voicemail message on my work phone. It was an employee who was pretending to talk to another employee and he said this:
"No, she IS fucking useless!!! She should be FIRED!!"
And then the phone was slammed down.
I am not fucking useless. I am intelligent, smart, educated and I'm damn good at my job. And I think it's time that I found a job that where I am paid approriately and not abused on a daily basis.
Driving past the complex one day last week, after a hard day at work – I noticed that a giant sign had gone up on the front of one of the new buildings. In bright red letters it said, “heals”. Being in somewhat of a post-stressful-day-trance, the following thoughts went through my mind:
“Hmm. heals. I wonder if that is a new shoe store. I’ve never heard of that chain before. It’s a neat name for a shoe store though. heals. It would be cool if they specialized in high heals – as that is what I usually wear. It’s going to be hard for me to drive past a nice new shoe store every day on my way home from work though. I can’t wait for it to open so I can check it out.”
It wasn’t until the next day when I was driving home from work and I passed the store again, that I realized what an idiot I am. It seems that when I drove by the other day, only half of the sign was up - because now the sign reads, “Micheals” – which is a large chain of craft stores. And I then realized that the things on the bottom of my shoes that give me some height are actually HEELS, and not heals.
What is wrong with me??? I am afraid for my brain.
I recently made the trip from Burnaby to Abbotsford on the back of the Harley and of course I couldn't leave my little biker bitch behind. So she rode between me and my dad on the bike, with her doggles on.
You can imagine the stares, pointing, laughing and almost veering off the freeway that people were doing when they spotted her.
(And when I say we procrastinated I really mean that I had been nagging Steve to get it done for two weeks and he kept making excuses not to do it. )
And then it was the long weekend, and "we" didn't feel like doing it on Sunday. So on Monday, I hauled up all those empty bottles and with Steve's reluctant help I loaded them up in my jeep and we headed to the bottle depot.
Only when we got to the bottle depot, it was closed. Of course. It was a statutory holiday. Well not to worry, there is another bottle depot a few miles down the road. We'd just go to that one. Except that one was closed as well.
So I was faced with making a decision.
A. Go home and unload the dirty, smelly empty bottles back into my house?
B. Leave the bottles in the jeep until the next time I have spare time to return bottles and in the meantime drive to and from work looking like I am an alcoholic with many cases of empty beer in plain view for the world to see?
C. Go home and phone every bottle depot in the lower mainland until I find one that is open?
I chose option C.
It took about 10 phone calls before I finally found a depot that was open, but I found one. And so we climbed back in the jeep and headed downtown Vancouver.
Now, I ask you... When you see those rubbies wandering around the streets with their stolen shopping carts, picking up empty bottles (and anything else that may appear to be of value), do you ever wonder where they go?
Well I am now able to tell you where they go. They go to that very same bottle depot that we went to on the holiday Monday.
We pulled up and parked and Steve got right to work taking a load of bottles inside the depot. I got out of the jeep and immediately smelled pot smoke. Steve quickly came back out of the depot with the strangest look on his face.
He said, "Tarable, you need to stay close to the jeep or close to me."
I laughed. Steve is so sensitive. It can't be that bad.
It was that bad. It was worse than that bad.
The place was a crawling with the homeless, the drug addicted, the toothless, the filthy, the desperate, the wayward. Not to mention the flies, wasps, hornets, mosquitos and flees. And a stench.
By the time Steve brought our second load of bottles in, Joe Toothless was already rummaging through our bottles. When Steve asked him what he was looking for, he asked suprised and said, "Oh are these yours?" Who knows how many bottles he probably scammed when we weren't looking. He was pro.
So then we finally had all our bottles on the counter and sorted. I stood and prayed for it to be over soon. I got that itchy, crawly feeling and started scratching. I had a death grip on my purse and a fear for my jeep oustide.
It was while we were waiting for out bottles to be counted up when Steve grabbed a hold of my wrist. I looked at him and his jaw was hanging open, his eyes wide with horror. I turned to see what he was looking at just as Joe Toothless was polishing off the dregs of an almost empty bottle of red wine - which it seems he just pulled out of a pile of someone else's empties....
I will never be the same.
Needless to say that when this eperience was over I went home and scrubbed my body in the shower. With bleach.
You then field calls of “phantom” complaints all day because the above mentioned employee has told all the other employees they should double check their pay because he was short paid (even though he wasn’t) and they might be too (they weren’t).
You find out that the Kiss concert that you were sooooo excited about has been cancelled and not rescheduled.
This is the day after your husband worked on his stat holiday in order to have the concert date off work.
You find out that because you had paid for your hotel room (for the night of the Kiss concert) with your airmiles, that canceling your hotel room is the equivalent of flushing your airmiles down the toilet.
You decide that you will still travel to Whistler on the concert date despite the concert being cancelled – but none of your friends are going anymore.
It’s monthend at work and you find a mistake that you made last month that you were actually questioned about last month but your response was to get all huffy and bitchy – declaring that you did NOT make a mistake (partly because you were in a hurry to leave work and go houseboating). And so you had to swallow your pride and go explain yourself.
You have to work late because it is monthend and you start to stress out that you won’t make it to your 5 o’clock meeting so you tell your boss that you need to leave after 'only' working an hour and a half of over time and he acts displeased with you.
You make it to your 5 o’clock weight loss group meeting only to find that after you worked your arse off all week – exercising like a demon and eating 5 servings of fruits and vegetables a day and NOT going over your allotted calories - that you have actually gained 0.4 lbs.
You finally get home and you are tired, hungry and edgy and your little dog is in a feisty mood and is barking and batting an empty water bottle around the house all evening long – but you're too tired to take it away from her and instead you just think about putting her up for adoption.
AND THE BEAT GOES ON....
You come into work the next day and one of the supervisors stops in your office. This supervisor is about your age and also has the same kind of dog as you. So you ask him "How is your little monkey?" Only then does another supervisor come around the corner with a shocked look in his face and says, "WHAT are you asking him about???" To which your face turns red and you realize how your question may have sounded and both supervisors silently leave you in your office to feel retarded for yourself.